Published November 27, 2009
I return to send the message
In which our parents tried
So very hard to deliver
On the parenting ride
That we gave them
We did not listen
We were to busy
Drinking, Driving, and Kissing
We were just Trying to be cool
But we became fools
We became mom and dad before us
and grandma and grandpa
Wait, they would never do what we do now
The 80's did a work on us didn't it
In defense they say, "Shouldn't it".
I say not, I believe that we are better than that
Wild has came with the title Teenager
One more year, and I wish it weren't
Just a few more breaths
Just a few more deaths
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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130,613 Literary Works • 671,514 Reviews
Hey Tariq! I'm with Snoink on this one; I feel like you're close to saying something, but you never quite come out and say it. Another thing that really destroyed the potential effectivenss of this poem were the multiple typos. i.e. "to cool" should be "too cool," "tile" (I think?) should be "title," etc. Punctuation would be really nice too. Think of punctuation as something that can help you rather than just a hassle; it allows you to control the speed and flow of the poem by telling the reader how to read it. Use that to your advantage!
Hey Tariq!
Since you brought this up again, I'm assuming you want critiques! Anyway, I thought this was really bland. It felt like you wanted to give a message, but you didn't want to give a message, but you wanted to give a message, but you didn't trust yourself to give a message, but you wanted to say something important, but you didn't want to say it explicitly... and in the end, you didn't really say anything.
So stop doubting yourself and just say it. And, once you say it, back it up with proof. Nine times out of ten, you'll end up deleting what you wanted to say in the first place while editing and just keep the proof (trust me... I've done this a million and a half times) but at least your proof ends up saying what you wanted to say anyway, so it's less bland and diplomatic. Let's just face it: diplomacy is boring in poetry. Give me raw emotions any day of the week.
Kat, that was the point.
I return to send the message
In which our parents tried
So very hard to deliver
On the parenting ride
you used parent(ing) twice
I didn't much like it, it switched topics towards the end and the words felt bland (try using more exciting words like floored instead of excited, ya know?)
I'll come back and give a better critique later : )
keep writing!!
Haha, this is a lovely idea! When I saw the title I assumed it was going to be something whiny about the joys of childhood, but no, it's actually quite cool!
One thing I will point out, however, is that the poem feels kind of rushed. A lot of the time it looks like you're trying to fit all of these ideas into one poem, and so you lose the meanings of a lot of them. Why not slow down and expand on the better parts?
~Amy
You did an Amazing Work...Great....I loved it !!!!!!!!!!!!
Slandie
This feels like an uninspired rhyme. Try something else here.
tile- title unless I misunderstood the sentence.
Besides that, great job. When you say "The 80's did a work on us" are you referring to a specific movie, or saying that the media in general reflected teenager's beliefs and lifestyles? Or did I completely misunderstand this sentence?
awesome job and keep writing
Empress
Wow, this is impressive. When I read this, it made me think of the word "Teenager." When you said that the word "Wild." comes with it, I nodded my head. I wonder why people think that? Oh! You explained it! Good writing skills indeed.
...I'm trying to critique it... hmm...
Um..it's unavaible right now. :] Nice work.
Wow...amazing...
That is great. Really good.
Wow, that was really good Tariq! It totally made me think of what I was doing. Am I trying to grow up too fast? Why should I be? Thank you so much for writing it Tariq, it really hit the spot!!! Excellent Work.
~Forest